I had a bit of an odd conversation this morning, and I thought I'd share it with you, because I'm (a) nice like that, and (b) a little self-important.
Essentially, a friend announced that she'd had the opportunity to go and see Snow Patrol at the O2 Arena (or whatever they're calling the dome nowadays) last night, hadn't been able to, and had thought of me. She knows my views. She was joking. I find it hard to joke about Snow Patrol. I should probably get over myself. But I don't particularly want to quite yet. Moving on...
I suggested gently that there might be more exciting opportunities around than going to a point in London about as far away from where I live as possible to watch one of the worst bands ever - she took this as a challenge, quickly suggesting that to label Snow Patrol as the worst band ever was a touch harsh. She cited M People and Simply Red as evidence.
We quickly dismissed M People as a disease rather than a band (What have YOU done today, Heather? Seriously? Now sod off.), but the Simply Red argument detained us a while longer. Yes, Mick Hucknall is an incorrigible twat (Jerry, I know you told me not to swear, but it's Mick Hucknall) but dammit all, Simply Red are a better band than Snow Patrol. Song for song, album for album, pound for pound, it's a walkover for the ginger Manc and his assorted bored-looking session musicians. Even when Hucknall's dancing.
Which got me thinking - how many other bands that you instinctively think of as utterly dreadful are, in fact, when you actually stop to think about it, better than Snow Patrol? All thoughts welcomed...
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Well here's the thing. Snow Patrol are, in essence a bad band. But it's all a case of defining terms. I'd rather listen to them then listen to rap, Jazz, Belgian House or some of this Deep South psuedo-creedence swamp-rock bollocks such as Kings of Leon. Give me rain-swept British misery any day.
But it depends what your basis for comparison is. It's easier to find superlatives when talking about the some of the greats (Zeppelin, Floyd, the Manics, U2) and when you compare them to Snow Patrol they (SP) pale into insignificance. But they are all much more successful than Snow Patrol, and rightly so.
What gets my heckles up is when a band suddenly explodes into the public consciousness on a wave of hype and draped in the Emporer's New Clothes with which the NME bestowed them. Snow Patrol never had this. They sing polite ballads of angst framed in slightly sketchy musicianship, and have a fairly steady following. A poor man's Travis, if you will. So I don't hate them. In fact the collaboration with Martha Wainwright on their last album made it into my collection.
In comparison Mick Hucknell, though clearly a twat, is an excellent singer - from a town which simply doesn't make them (name one other good singer from Manchester) and, though his songs are fairly awful, there is at least an element of talent there. So I don't hate either of the two - I see them both in a different light, and treat them objectively.
Coldplay and the Arctic Monkeys, however, are cunts. Complete, utter, total, jam-their-fingers-into-an-industrial-shredder-so-that-they-never-play-again, cunts. I could fart a better tune than Chris Martin sings, and that warbling, unsteady falsetto of his makes me want to run someone over every time I hear it. Alanna knows more chords on the guitar than the witless fucking imbecile that fronts the Arctic Monkeys, and they are just another example of the music press chucking idiots into the limelight to try to find another Oasis.
This, then, is my distinction. I've no beef with rubbish bands who never find success, but what I find galling is bands who, despite obvious musical ineptitude, are suddenly riding high in the charts on a wave of nothing but hype, journalistic column-filler and walrus shit. Only now is Noel Gallagher becoming a reasonably good guitarist.
Snow Patrol, sorry Dan, are an average band, destined for modest success, and Hucknell is a good singer, but a bit of a penis, who sings rubbish songs. Coldplay and the Arsehole Monkeys would, in any sane world, be tied to a wind farm in the North Sea and poked in the eyes with rhubarb throughout the daylight hours by a team of midgets on jetpacks.
Sorry about the language.
Actually I'm not.
Starsailor Dan, Starsailor - easily the worst band ever.
Got to go with Jerry here - Snow Patrol are an average band.
Not in the same league as Coldplay, Starsailor, Keane, I'm afraid - purveyors of the wettest music this side of monsoon season.
Don't get me wrong - I have sympathy for the views expressed here, I really do. And I would like nothing more than to see Coldplay flayed alive - as always, Jerry, you paint a wonderful picture. And you know I'm a sucker for anything with Flying Midgets involved.
(Though I would say that for my money 'I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor' is about as close to the perfect pop song as anyone's come this century. That's a song that's been raped by overplay...)
But one thing really jars - you're asking me to forgive Snow Patrol their mediocrity, when that's the very thing that makes me so very very angry with them. Say what you will about Keane and Colplay (and believe me, I have and will continue to) but at least the public schoolboys care. Yes, they care in a whiny, 'of course you were bullied at school, and frankly you deserved it' kind of way, and yes, the lead singer of one of them's married to a macrobiotic twat and the other one's head is a good three sizes too big for his body (Fat head! Fat head!!!) but at least they're trying.
Snow Patrol are not trying. They're not even trying to try. They are churning out MoR droany shite, occasionally enlightened by the savvy hiring of a collaborant (the afore-mentioned, and ludicrously talented Martha Wainwright) and selling millions of albums and playing to stadia all round the world. I wish Snow Patrol weren't successful, Jerry, but unless your definition of 'successful' is bigger than Coldplay/U2, then they are pant-wettingly successful, and it really fucking hurts.
If I could finish this comment by saying that I don't mind bands who are furiously shit as long as they're trying, it would make this argument a hell of a lot stronger - sadly, I can't, because I do mind them, I mind them a lot, and their earnestness is one of the worst things about them. It's just that I detest mediocre MoR apathy a hell of a lot more, particularly when it meets with success.
Anyway. This blog wasn't supposed to involve bitching about Snow Patrol (or Starsailor); it was supposed to be a happy place. So go buy tickets for Cajun Dance Party on July 18th, Mr Hudson and his delightful library at Koko in October and sort yourself out with an invite to Drowned in Sound's end of summer party. It promises to be dlightful.
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